And on the 6th day God created the Internet and he saw that it was good.
On the 7th day all that creation stuff had worn him down so he retired to his study and thought about man.
They’ll cock it up he thought.
I have to save them from their own stupidity.
My web-using children are too curious and too lazy to protect themselves.
They need rules –
The 10 Commandments Of Infosec
1. Though Shalt Not Worship Any System But Mac.
God was wise and foresaw the vulnerabilities inherent in false operating systems. He decreed that the Mac was the King of Kings and no other false computer systems should be praised.
2. Though Shalt Not Worship False Images.
God created man and so he knew exactly what man was like. Heck, he was a man himself after all. Therefore he had to slap a ban on certain types of images being seen. You know… porn. Not because God was a prude mind, but because he knew how hackers would take mans’ weakness and use it to their advantage.
3. Though Shalt Not Take The Name Of Firefox In Vain.
Many computer users around the world believe that Microsoft is god, despite Internet Explorer 6. These people need to quit their blasphemy and be converted. Salvation through Firefox awaits them.
4. Though Shalt Not Break The Sabbath.
Twitter is good fun and all but God knows best. Take a break, recharge your batteries and return on Monday feeling fresh. Then you can bore everyone all the more with your updates about your location and what you ate for breakfast.
5. Though Shalt Not Dishonour Their Parents.
Quite simply, this means play by the rules and do as you are told. Your parents know how to keep you safe on the Internet so follow their advice and no sneaking off and chatting to strange men on IM, no watching naughty movies and definitely no downloading of torrents. Its bad and you will burn in hell. Possibly.
6. Though Shalt Not Murder (Bandwidth).
Lucifer was a whizz with a router and God got fed up with paying huge bills for an internet experience that sucked. He kicked Lucifer out of his network and took measures to secure it from him in the future. God recommends that you do this too.
7. Though Shalt Not Commit Adultery.
If you cheat on your spouse then bad things will happen. Is that reason enough to obey this commandment? Didn’t think so. Ok then, check out my naked wife.
8. Though Shalt Not Steal.
God knew that man would quickly grow tired of hacking hands off when they caught thieves. He knew the criminal justice system of the 21st century would offer little deterrent. He didn’t foresee how some clever people would use his Internet to make money in extremely dubious ways though. Don’t copy them. Scareware authors will burn for eternity in Russia. Or worse.
9. Though Shalt Not Bare False Witness.
God has a sense of humor, he really does, but finds nothing funny about spreading stupid stories around his Internet. Especially when it concerns celebrity deaths. So next time you hear that Johnny Depp died in a car crash keep it to yourself because God is a busy man and still hasn’t forgotten the last time that pesky pirate wasted his time…
10. Though Shall Not Covet.
God knows that you want what everybody else has. He wants you to have it too. But, the thing is, he wants you to work for it. He doesn’t want you to sulk about what you haven’t got, getting jealous and angry. He certainly doesn’t want you to be destroying what others have just because you were too lazy to get it yourself.