The Hectic Lifestyle Of A Billionaire (ME!)

Today, just like any other day, is absolutely crazy!

Whatever I do, wherever I go, I just can’t help but make money.

I guess what they say is true.. those who have money just keep making more.

So, now that I am officially going to be a billionaire, you may ask why I am still sitting at my computer, spending my precious time typing?

billionaire-lifestyle

Earning it

Well, the thing is, I have made several hundred million dollars today, much the same as yesterday, and the day before, but I have to be patient. You see, all the cheques are in the post, I just have to wait.

Or at least that’s what the nice man told me. (He must be nice, he notified me of my latest lottery win via email).

So I’m going to sit here patiently, waiting for the post to arrive. I feel sorry for my postman, after all, I have won various lotteries all around the world. In fact, I won over 280 times in September. I must admit, it’s a bit annoying – I sent the fees required to process my application in claiming my winnings and so far the bank transfers have experienced problems (I guess my bank manager has to approve the hundreds of millions being deposited manually because it is more money than he will ever see in his lifetime). I can understand the cheques being lost in the post – after all, I did change my address 17 years ago and they probably delivered them to my parent’s house.

Oh why did my mum and dad have to emigrate? If they had stayed in their old house I would have my money by now.

Spending it

On a positive note, I guess I have a bit more time to think about how I am going to spend the money. After all, I have $4.98 billion coming in the next few days and I need to be responsible with it.

I have a few thoughts already, such as lending this nice man a paltry $5,000 so he can get the black paint off of the dyed notes he has. He even said he would pay me back $2 million for helping him. (I told you it’s easy to make money when you already have lots).

If I don’t buy a mansion or two, I can get my roof fixed. Ok, so it looks alright to me, but another nice man I saw in the street told me the damage was underneath the tiles and it needed fixing soon. Best to be proactive in such cases I think.

He also called a friend which was very good of him. You see, his friend is an expert on driveways and it would seem that mine is messed up real bad. I can’t see it myself but apparently it needs recovering. The man is a genius! Who knows what damage would have been done if I hadn’t had the foresight to spend $10,000 on a quick repair.

Giving to charity

They say charity begins at home but, as a soon-to-be billionaire, I think I can afford to be a little more generous than that. I like my clothes but, hey, I can afford to buy some more now. Therefore, after I finish typing, I am going to bag up my Evisu jeans and Lacoste shirts and even my Armani suits because, fortunately, I received a leaflet today, asking for donations to a third world clothing collection company. They may not be a charity but I’m sure they still do good work for those in need.

Love

Being a filthy, stinking rich jerk means it is especially hard to find love. Money can’t normally buy you love but I think I may have found a solution – Tatyana Gorbunowa – she’s a really cute Russian, desperate to find love and keen as anything to meet me. All I had to do was send her $7,000. I know it sounds like a lot of money, but she needed a visa and a plane ticket, plus money for her sick mother, and a few thousand dollars to pay for the car crash she had on the way to the airport. I hope she gets better soon, I’m dying to meet her.

Uh-oh

I had so much more to say but I have to go quickly – the bank just emailed me to say there is a problem with my account – I better reply quickly and give them my correct details or I really won’t be getting those billions of dollars today.

Being a billionaire is not so much fun right now – all these problems I’m having are really affecting my cash flow. Luckily, I have a hotel job in Canada lined up to tide me over until the cash rolls in.

Bye for now…

About Lee Munson

Lee's non-technical background allows him to write about internet security in a clear way that is understandable to both IT professionals and people just like you who need simple answers to your security questions.

Comments

  1. Alex Crabtree says:

    Sorry dude, I took that hotel job while you were waiting. Helluva commute, but it IS a job.

  2. Only if you wear that sexy bikini again 😉

  3. Oh boy!

    I won the lottery again, too! That means we can hang out on the beach together!!

  4. This is the most funniest post I have read on your site! I somehow missed it, but thanks to Mike’s comment I just saw it.

  5. This is so funny 😀

  6. That is a great deal, perhaps we could work out a trade?!?!?!

    Can you get the London Bridge possibly?

    Also, I know it is a bit of a trip, but I really like the Eiffel tower. IS that up for grabs?

    • The Eiffel Tower is up for sale as it goes.

      As for London Bridge, I’m afraid that’s a no-go. You see, we sold that to the Americans a long time ago 😀

  7. By the way, when your fortune comes in, I have a great investment opp. for you, if you would like to partner with me!

    As you may know, the U.S. government is now TRILLIONS of dollars in debt. In very un-published style, they have decided to start renting/leasing some major U.S. landmarks to interested investors. As a matter of politic, they obviously have to maintain ownership as well as the official rights to these landmarks (such as Statue of Liberty, White House, Hollywood Sign, etc.) but they are willing to allow a small handful of us briliant investors to find interested parties to pay for the right to use them for fundraisers/events.

    No one knows about this yet, so I stress that you must keep this secret between you and me (and your faithful readers).

    The start-up cost will be minimal (in comparison to the billions you will have in your posession) and the potential for earning is obviously huge.

    Don’t delay, get on board today!

    jb

    • That is a VERY tempting offer!

      I think those landmarks would go well in my portfolio – I already own Big Ben which was a steal – I only paid $8,000 for it :)

  8. Scam,

    There seems to be a problem. I think they accidentally put all those billions of dollars in my account here in the states.

    I have been wondering why I suddenly had so much cash (but I certainly wasn’t complaining)!!

    It also makes sense why it has been taking so long for you to receive yours!

    I will gladly send you all of your money (it obviously is yours anyway, not mine)! The only problem is that sending that much cash overseas can be tricky. As you can see from this guys story.

    http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/09/27/immigrant.money/index.html

    So, what I need you to do is send me your account information (I will keep this information strictly private obviously). Also, once we have established a link between your bank and mine, I will require a small transaction processing fee… I think considering the numbers we are talking that 1, 2, or 3% will be appropriate, but we can discuss that later. I will of course need that transaction fee in advance, as I would feel unethical about taking the money that I am holding for you!

    sincerely,

    jb

    • That’s an interesting story about the dishwasher!

      Of course I will send you an advanced fee – this time next week I will be a billionaire so I am sure there will be no problems with the cheque clearing 😉

  9. Brilliant one! I love the way you wrote this in a serious tone whilst subtely conveying an important message.

  10. Pure gold, it really made me laugh when I realised this is an anti-scam site and what you were getting at.

Trackbacks

  1. […] shame they’re all scams though, I could really do with a half a million dollars to add to the billions I had and […]

Speak Your Mind

*