Today, just like any other day, is absolutely crazy!
Whatever I do, wherever I go, I just can’t help but make money.
I guess what they say is true.. those who have money just keep making more.
So, now that I am officially going to be a billionaire, you may ask why I am still sitting at my computer, spending my precious time typing?
Well, the thing is, I have made several hundred million dollars today, much the same as yesterday, and the day before, but I have to be patient. You see, all the cheques are in the post, I just have to wait.
Or at least that’s what the nice man told me. (He must be nice, he notified me of my latest lottery win via email).
So I’m going to sit here patiently, waiting for the post to arrive. I feel sorry for my postman, after all, I have won various lotteries all around the world. In fact, I won over 280 times in September. I must admit, it’s a bit annoying – I sent the fees required to process my application in claiming my winnings and so far the bank transfers have experienced problems (I guess my bank manager has to approve the hundreds of millions being deposited manually because it is more money than he will ever see in his lifetime). I can understand the cheques being lost in the post – after all, I did change my address 17 years ago and they probably delivered them to my parent’s house.
Oh why did my mum and dad have to emigrate? If they had stayed in their old house I would have my money by now.
On a positive note, I guess I have a bit more time to think about how I am going to spend the money. After all, I have $4.98 billion coming in the next few days and I need to be responsible with it.
I have a few thoughts already, such as lending this nice man a paltry $5,000 so he can get the black paint off of the dyed notes he has. He even said he would pay me back $2 million for helping him. (I told you it’s easy to make money when you already have lots).
If I don’t buy a mansion or two, I can get my roof fixed. Ok, so it looks alright to me, but another nice man I saw in the street told me the damage was underneath the tiles and it needed fixing soon. Best to be proactive in such cases I think.
He also called a friend which was very good of him. You see, his friend is an expert on driveways and it would seem that mine is messed up real bad. I can’t see it myself but apparently it needs recovering. The man is a genius! Who knows what damage would have been done if I hadn’t had the foresight to spend $10,000 on a quick repair.
Giving to charity
They say charity begins at home but, as a soon-to-be billionaire, I think I can afford to be a little more generous than that. I like my clothes but, hey, I can afford to buy some more now. Therefore, after I finish typing, I am going to bag up my Evisu jeans and Lacoste shirts and even my Armani suits because, fortunately, I received a leaflet today, asking for donations to a third world clothing collection company. They may not be a charity but I’m sure they still do good work for those in need.
Being a filthy, stinking rich jerk means it is especially hard to find love. Money can’t normally buy you love but I think I may have found a solution – Tatyana Gorbunowa – she’s a really cute Russian, desperate to find love and keen as anything to meet me. All I had to do was send her $7,000. I know it sounds like a lot of money, but she needed a visa and a plane ticket, plus money for her sick mother, and a few thousand dollars to pay for the car crash she had on the way to the airport. I hope she gets better soon, I’m dying to meet her.
I had so much more to say but I have to go quickly – the bank just emailed me to say there is a problem with my account – I better reply quickly and give them my correct details or I really won’t be getting those billions of dollars today.
Being a billionaire is not so much fun right now – all these problems I’m having are really affecting my cash flow. Luckily, I have a hotel job in Canada lined up to tide me over until the cash rolls in.
Bye for now…