The following email has been circulating around the internet in many guises for several years, but I still find it amusing.
Dear Microsoft Technical Support,
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend7.0 but uninstall doesn’t work on this program.
With regards, ………………..
THE REPLY: –
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: \I APOLOGISE.bat program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE.bat a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash. Thank you for using the program!!
I received the latest version this morning and it reminded me why I’m getting divorced.. I just couldn’t bring myself to run the I APOLGISE.bat program which she requested, even when she was the one in the wrong 😀
If you haven’t been able to work it out, the above is, of course, an email hoax and not a genuine reply from Microsoft.