An Open Email To The World’s Spammers

Growing increasingly frustrated by the amount of email spam I receive, I decided to write an open email to those behind it -

To : All Spammers
From: Me
Subject: I don’t need your crap. Really. I don’t.

Dear Spammers one and all,

I appreciate how busy you must be, emailing half the world on a daily basis. Please let me help you. Take me off your list and you can send out one less email every day.

If you do that for me I promise that you’ll never hear from me again!

Why, you ask?

Well, you see, it’s like this -

Even though I’m getting divorced I don’t feel down about it. In fact, the opposite is true. I’ve never been happier.

Now, I can appreciate how women are falling over themselves to date me but I just don’t dig Christian singles, hot sexy teens or any other girl who wants a relationship via email. Furthermore, I’m certainly not looking to rush into another marriage with a Russian bride just yet.

I’m sorry I didn’t have time to reply to Elena because she looked rather cute, but you know how it is – I’m snowed under with work and I get a lot of these proposals every day.

Believe it or not, I do have a girlfriend anyway. Fortunately, she’s more than happy with my rigidity so I’m not currently in the market for any low-cost enhancement meds.

I’ll keep your email address on file though. You never know, in 30 years I may just need that cheap Cialis you keep telling me about.

Until then, however, there is no need to keep reminding me – if I ever find I can’t keep it up, you’ll be the first to know.

Yeah, it’s true. Divorce is a major drain on the finances.

Even so, stuffing envelopes for 8 hours a day and then emailing a thousand people to get them to do the same just isn’t my idea of stimulating work.

Sure, an extra $3 a day would come in handy but it just seems too much like hard work to me.

Even though my friends say I look so thin that they mistake me for a skeleton, I’ve never quite believed them.

That’s why I read, with great interest, your email about the new herb recently discovered in some obscure desert that I can’t name right now.

Unfortunately, I never buy unless a product has been endorsed by a celebrity.

Guess what?

The guy you named in the email?

I Googled him and it turns out he’s the fattest man alive. Surely just a typo on your part, eh?

Despite that unfortunate mistake I still kept reading your mail, I guess we must have developed a certain affinity by now.

Next, a personal note to Barrister Terry Williams Esq. I was deeply shocked to hear of the death of your client Peggy Morrison.

After receiving many emails from the Lady, I had come to see her as my friend.

If you could forward the details of her funeral to me I would love to pay my final respects.

Mr. Patrick Chan I feel for you. I really do.

The modalities you talk about seem complicated, to say the least.

As much as I would like a share of the deceased Gen. Abbas Radhi Ismail’s wealth, I can’t help but envisage problems with the transaction.

Besides, 30% for all my efforts seems a bit stingy.

I have another Barrister in the Sudan who is offering me the whole lot.

Perhaps you should find out why the deceased has two different people trying to dispose of his wealth?

Finally, dear Patrick Mayor, I really appreciate the notification that I won £1.9m in the Yahoo lottery.

I know for sure that I didn’t enter so you bet this came as a surprise!

Unfortunately I don’t have time to claim my winnings. Being a billionaire already means I have quite a hectic lifestyle.

Please forward my winning notification to someone else, I’m sure they would appreciate it.